How Do You Know?

Now before I get into what I’m about to say, I need to let whoever is out there reading this that this post might bring you down, and it might just sound like a whiny 20 something who doesn’t know how good she has it.

But I started this blog so that I could have an outlet to express how I’m feeling and be real, not to be famous or have millions of views. I thought if I was real and didn’t sugarcoat my feelings, I could help someone else who is going through similar things. So this might get a little sad and whiny, but bear with me.

The past couple weeks, I’ve had some things weighing on my mind. With my sister moved into her new home, the summer starting, and all of my friends doing great things with their lives, I’ve began to wonder about mine.

I know I’ve had a good life and have been lucky to have the opportunities that I’ve had, but recently I’ve been questioning myself and my choices.

How do you really know if you are happy?

Now I don’t want people to be worried (especially you mom because I know this is probably going to worry you), but I don’t know if I’m happy anymore.

This doesn’t have to do with one specific thing, it’s an amalgamation of a lot of pieces of my life that don’t seem to be fitting together the way I had hoped they would.

Ever since I was litte, I’ve had a vision for what my life would look like when I got older. I would be surrounded by amazing friends that care about me, I would stay close with my family and always be able to make people smile.

But that was it… I never envisioned what my career might be, who I’d marry, what my eventual kids might look like, or where I would live. Those aspects of my life were never clear to me.

So how do I know if I’m really happy with where my life is going?

I’ve achieved my vision for the most part. I have an amazing group of friends from different times in my life, and I am so happy that we’ve all stayed close. I am still very close with my family even though we are all separated at the moment. And I believe that I can help people when they are down.

So it that regard, maybe I am happy.

But the other stuff… those are the things I am beginning to question. I really do enjoy my job and the people there. And I am happy being single after a relationship that left me sort of empty.. but how do you know when you are truly happy with your life?

Now I know what many would say if I expressed this to them. “You’re 23 years old, You’re just starting to figure out who you are and what you want to be.” I know that because that’s what my head tells me.

But my heart is a little confused.

I went to a friends house-warming party this past weekend, and I saw what my friends had and how happy they all seem to be. And I felt a little out-of-place. Granted, a lot of my friends are 2-3 years older than me, and they’ve been through hard times in their lives where they questioned all of their choices too.

So who am I to be wallowing in self-pity right?

But I can’t seem to figure out if I am happy with the choices I’ve made. I know I’m a little fish in a big pond, and I have to do the work to be better. And I’m figuring this thing called life out one step at a time, but I believe there is a time in everybody’s life where they wonder “Am I doing the right thing?”

And maybe one day soon I’ll have that answer, but right now I just don’t know.

But how do you really know…?